automatically composing

how to revive burnt toast???

yesterday was a true nightmare...I received a package monday from my brother Mark in Illinois (O'Fallon, suburb of St. Louis)...he had evidently sent me a laptop at christmas but am still not sure it was him though I did write and thank him for it and he never replied to confirm it was him that did this...the laptop package came from Amazon.com and there was no indication to inform me who had sent it but I had assumed it was him.    I promised him a drum made by me as a thank you at some point in the not to distant future; however, my dog ate the deer skin I planned to use so am considering now using my furred fawn skin as a substitute..phew..this is so bad what happened...when I wrote Mark the day after I received the package, I sent a copy of my email to my son John, who has come home from hawaii and is now living in phoenix.  john says he has a problem with drug use and he said that is why he left hawaii  he checked himself into treatment before he moved over to hawaii and was there for a month...his leaving hawaii  happened just before mothers' day and coupled with son tony's issues up in bellingham, well...it's gross how they are progressing with their lives frankly but, other than feeling extremely tired and depressed about these things, I'm ok, just feeling that I can't get everything done I need to do because the weed wacker won't run, the mice are chewing up my house, it rains too much, whatever...typical gripes I suppose...so...still rambling on in preamble to what happened to make yesterday A NIGHTMARE!!

I told Mark about John coming home from Hawaii.  I am sure I would not have sent a copy of my email to Mark to John..I know I wouldn't have done this.... yesterday during a group session of local writers, I get a call on my cell phone and it's my son John...he starts off saying to me 'that email you sent Mark was totally inappropriate'...and it got worst from there...this has happened before with him...'nope I'm not talking to you' is what he says and he's so far away that you just can't fix this but he has a terrible temper and you'd not want to be close to him when he's got big thunder clouds across his forehead anyway...so today I feel sick and depressed, just kind of want to curl up in a ball somewhere and cry like a beaten dog...my assumption is my hotmail account was hacked, I wouldn't have sent john a copy of the email to mark to rub his nose in it that he has issues with drugs..nope, not that I know better t han that, rather that what I believe John is up to in his life is all mixed up in a bunch of other stuff and once every few years we get together for a holiday in Maui...or so we had done until he moved to Phoenix...now I feel as though I won't be going there anymore either because John is staying with my daughter Angel and he'll have told her 'what mom did'...and so on into the night...yep I feel as though I might cry...angel is expecting a baby in late october/halloween/ she says...don't know the sex of the baby yet, she's too busy to write on facebook anymore...well, we went through this not talking to one another thing last year when son Tony broke up with his girlfriend, I don't know how I got to be the bad guy but they all stopped talking to me when that happened...big sigh..if that's not bad enough I haven't seen good ol dobe since january and he texted me a couple weeks ago saying he'd stopped by my house and I wasn't  home...well...I haven't replied to that text and he's had back surgery and likewise isn't posting on facebook anymore either..so...yeah, I feel like crying...well...I feel like a used up worn out old bag and am severely depressed, that's what...my feelings are hurt pretty much all the way around, dobe's not very pleasant when I am there and it hasn't turned out the way I thought it would, get married fix up the house, live here, have a real practice, etc.  instead I'm still doing what I've always done and got no money, etc.  having to live next door to the real alien abductress as well...that's probably at the root of the problem but don't feel as though this is a fixed situation..not yet anyway...

mahalo

last post at this blog was 'aloha mon amour' and then there was some reference in January 2015 wherein I was 'there' at the spot of origin for a matter of less than an hour...I tiptoed away while he slept in his easy chair in front of the living room television...of course we 'talk' continually but it's me doing the talking and he's become the man I would have liked him to be had he been who I wanted him to be, which since January has been just the voice in my head like the coach...always think of this as the 'labor' coach...so I don't know where I stand in that department but I go along with the reassurance of that coaching ethic that keeps me on my chosen path

aloha mon amour..

well...all things considered, good ol ET has gotten the better of me one more time in terms of sweethearts...he was always in the PL mode, that was a given, couldn't be himself in any regard especially the doting fancier but he was nice in a lot of little ways that I now regret being a part of because august 20 was the last I heard from him and then he 'lost his cell phone'...and though he knows where I live, he hasn't been by or been in touch and it's now going into November so I know that we must be through...it feels like a veryheavy heart I have and I'm going away in a few days for a little teeny vacation and I don't have any precious thoughts to carry with me other than what I read on his facebook posts and who knows if that's him posting or 'her' representing  herself as him because I once asked him to 'friend' me so we could talk and he said 'I'd have to go all the way down to the senior center to use the computer...like he didn't do that??' himmmm...hmmmm... lacuna is being held for me at the library and librarian said there wasn't a notice on her page when I checked out my movies today so will have to drop back by there again and get that ..I don't like barbara kingsolver as a writer, thoughts all over the page as though she had every intention of confusing the reader and underwear likes her so that's another reason as underwear is totally dosshell orientated..and I had to GP firsthand this noon as though every speck of dust in the place were causal to her being in my car..mud spots and all, confusion and chaos in the order of the house...where to go what to do..just sold tee shirts to two tourists...they'll be up and about wearing our local gear from b.ham they are...do I miss the crabby one that had the nice smile and wandered into the room in  his hawaii shirt looking fine?  yep...I think I could just drop by and say hey but he's been heavily et'd to the point where well...probably it isn't safe and yeah I could move to maui to live near my son but would I ever see him either?  not much I'd gather, good ol et has it in hand that we're to be the dna splicing elements for whatever tf she wants in a day...I don't see her purpose or why that is but I miss my special someone greatly and it's been months since I was in  his company although yes he wasn't demonstratively affectionate and yes he was at least brusque if not scarily so...walking the line of reality and what I perceived as our true course together I now know why it was not to be because et had the upper hand and control of the body itself but not the spirit he was always there in that and I don't know what will become of my heart as I gave it to him in one moment in May and he kept for a while and yes I was pretty concerned even then that et would ride it out like the spawning salmon going up the river just herds of bogus intent there and a funny smell always in the house ok so...always have to be with someone, in love with someone and now there's no one and I've let him go...because et is at my very door and keeps that from me...

weirdnesses

this all began saturday morning when I was chopping onions...fellow club member gets cellphone call and remarks, "Bob's eyeball fell out, I have to go..." with the sort of nonchalance that such a comment definitely does not bring with it...HUH? I thought
then yesterday a 5 am call when I'm snoring my deepest snores, "need your help" voicemail as in to vaccuum and so forth so I think 'when I wake up' but no it's an urgent call prompted by extreme pain..and I only got that after some discussion with the party in question...so, fogs big time in and my usual fren...who can't move around much without shuffling...has 'loaned money' to someone who's now taking care of the household chores so my little bit of scratch has developed its own flea...again I should say, this has happened before and maybe the fren will be bitching about how the loanee has not done her duty and that's why the house is a wreck (she wouldn't be doing the dishes, the shuffler)...anyways...don't know what to do about all of this, try to remain above it and get my art show on the walls and remain calm and so on and so forth but when you sit in church every sunday with the actual perpetrator good ol mickey mouse himself with glasses and a fat butt and a puss well...why not, so I thought so I did...
anyways, I'm outta here for now...back to this another time maybe friday afternoon dunno...time's short, have to make supper for the painer... 

went to see the hugger again

yep..I did and my darn car broke down right at the old Wilson house just before the Hoko Bridge so that was a bummer...going to see Gary F about it right now, see what's the diagnosis...always worry about that because my funds are so limited but it has to be what it has to be...that's the way the cookie crumbles and so on...I guess I don't know what I'm doing in terms of being realistic about 'the hugger'...he really holds me tight and he's so hampered in his ability to communicate himself...ah..he was the darling when he got in yesterday...I was early..and he popped in the bedroom in his Hawaii print shirt, blue and white very very handsome...and I think he has the personality to go with it but that darn Hollywood ethic thing going, it's really tiresome...so anyway...we did waht we did and he fed me some excellent salmon dip...late in the night while we watched the television..says his cable is off because he isn't paying bills because he hasn't caught any fish...I suspent thats a CT thing...like the little putz sitting outside the VC today...interfering with the smooth operation of things because he's been 'rattled'...we'll see...off to see Gary now..I'll miss FOJ tonight because haven't any wheels and hopefully I get them back...soon...meanwhile...what it is is what it is...
sigh...I guess I love this guy and he's going to marry me...when we get hollywood off our backs...hehe

sore back

well, sitting here in front of the keyboard seeing how quickly my fingers can fly over the keys.  haven't heard from the 'sweet one' since last Wednesday which I don't take as a bad sign but then again I can't say that it's really good...Went to b'ham to see the kids, it was fun and I was tired last night from driving home.  Helped clean up the vining street house, it was littered with the bits and pieces of the residency...plugs didn't work for vacuuming, kept falling out of the wall so had to sweep the rooms which was a chore being as my back is very sore from labeling and stocking at the CoOp...went on a run around lunchtime 3-person car accident called out the second rig for it which Angie and I were going to get out to the scene in...as it turned out they fit everyone in the first rig so they didn't need us for that so I got back to the Sekiu Center in time for lunch which was on Barbara as she'd brought along two packages of Chicken Flavor Top Ramen..always good for a noodle soup is Top Ramen..so had that then swung by the Quarter Store to see what was new, got a good yellow sweater which puts more at home on the 'done with' pile, which seems to grow and to shrink as I sort it out...other than that, time to head on out of here for the rest of my day..