getting to write here is a bit of a trick...so much has  happened...I am watching a dvd series from Britian entitled 'Broadchurch'...I'm on the 3rd disk (or 4th, who knows..) and I'm still in the dark as to w ho the actual killer may be...there is a family by t he name of Gillespie the dad of two disappeared daughters (one of them anyways)...the police have found an incinerator that potentially could have dispensed with the remains of the girls...Mr. Gillespie is seen in one segment looking at something on the Internet that could be kiddie porn: he's bent over the computer screen possibly wanking off.  The camera doesn't say much and it's the only clue so far...wish the dramatic music weren't sooooo dramatic all the time, makes the entire process very heavy to look at... so that's my diversionary ethic of the moment 'broadchurch'...
on another note my mother has been hospitalized since last Thursday...I was very bent about what is happening with her estate but now that it's down to the wire and she's looking more and more like she will check out for good, I g uess I don't care what happens because it will be so expensive to keep her in care that whatever is left after she does die will go to pay the bills for the $6 thou a month it will be costing her children to keep her alive...  when she is consciousn and alert she's  hypercritical and there's not much of her that isn't bent on telling us all what to do...you never hear her remark on a philosophical topic, or tell us that she loves us and try to say goodbye again and again...perhaps I'm having lessons on how to behave when it's my turn to be in her situation...I should think now about how much I love my children...how precious every moment with them truly is...and how I reside in the confidence to believe with my heart that this is a good life and we are truly blessed to be in it...this s ummer has been like t hat, one sunnny day after another, it's been a revelation..I worry about getting the tarp refitted to t he roof because I will not be able to maintain my plans to reroof t his year..so I have to refit what's there and get the firewood into dry cover and thresh the growing weeds (blackberry, morning glory...) whilst the lawnmower has quit, hehe..the little weedwacker does go with some tweaking so that'll  have to be the instrument of choice...haven't slept much on the back deck but the blankets are always out t here waiting on me...have spent several days now at the hospital watching mom improve..she's on IV fluids round the clock though they took her off of t hem on saturday and I couldn't come Sunday because of the county fair and having to be there as a art demonstration volunteer, for w hich I got a free pass to enter..parking was a bother, packing out the bonsai alder along with the two paintings I put in the art show at the fair, kind of a lugging process where I was sweaty in my nice dress but I had sandwiches from after mass and I stopped at the dollar store and got a tomato juice along with some things for my dogsitter.  I realized I'd forgotten the lampoil I cannot find my almost empty bottle of that stuff but the dogisitter says he has access to some I hope I get that because it's growing dark sooner now and lamps will have to be lit...we're going off the grid power wise as t he PUD bills mount along wit the phone bill I wonder do I really need that house phone?  gone up to almost a hundred a month...wow...I can't afford that, my little s ummer job will be cut in  half when my neighbor returns from her summer job and takes over part of that then there's this place and it's only a hudnred a month and don't know if that ends in october or goes all ayear long...we'll see...like to think that my daughter is going to come through with my baloon payment loan maybe on my burpday, that'd be great t hen I'll be in better shape and so on...
I think I worry too much perhaps big ol guy came in here t his morning looked like he had a few bucks...and no wife, hehe...that was funny, latch onto a sugar daddy and what have you got...actually already went through that with meints and still kind of in pain that it did not work out as it might have...back t hen I had the insight and the job at monroe and the nice house in the woods outside arlington and he tells me he's reuniting with his exwife...AAGGGHHHH!!! so
have lived on my own ever since but t here's dobes now who calls on a whim now and th en and that's it..ex calls t hat being the jizz jar and it does seem so..brrr...probably ought to head to forks to the hospital...see what's up..ok, just  called bro at Forks hospsital Mom's improving - they will put her in their swing bed and move her to longterm care there when she is more stabilized..getting over t here to see her will be a logistics issue, I want to pick blackberries as they are now ripe, I need to refit the roof tarp and even the edges on the lower deck, tarp that as well...have been slowly reorganizing the underside of lower deck, probably should stack that full a wood...this winter I should have wood closer to the house so's I'm not slogging in the mud to get to it...well, there's lots to be done

review of Blue Diary by Alice Hoffman

very funny composition ethic here today...can use the webpage...but NOT..unless I 'select' all first then delete..and I get an indicator so I know it will record my typing...wahoo!!
meanwhile, Alice Hoffman's book Blue Diary that I just finished reading..well, it starts out the kind of story one hasn't read in evwer times..a happily married couple?  really?  he's devoted to her, she's happy as a clam, they have a son (only one??) they have a house and jobs and he's devoted to the community at large, volunteer firefighter (they're still in love, really?) she has almost normal friends almost meaning that her bestie didn't ever know who was devoted to her...and she married stumbody stupid but then she gets into the devoted guy who's still devoted after 3 kids with someone else..well, anyway...this story starts out like once upon a time in totally dreamily happy land...and you want to get with theprogram and believe it all works just like that but hey, does it?  it's a blueprint for happiness, the beginning of this story but it unravels like a poorly knit sweater, one long string of gloop that descends over the wellbuilt beginning like frosting too runny to put on the cake, it drools all over the place going from a murdered redhead to a breast cancer sick redhead to a valiant volunteer firefighter with burned hands to a manical narcissist minimally aware of his ability to kill another person (well, he let the middleaged sponsoress off without a slap but did that prove anything??)..Hoffman doesn't draw much of a fine line in her initially solid characters, the happily married pair who are so good for themselves and for their little homespun community that has trees living since colonial days (I had a house that was preColonial and it was just fine, assumably so was the apple tree in the story that made bad apples)...ok so blame the faulty characters on the bad apple growing tree that was in front of the library since late 1700's..maybe you could...but there's so much inbetween stuff in this story, such good filling, you keep on reading and you know it's not going to improve once it gets off the deep end and the main hero does bad stuff...you find it hard to see that he could, well, he'd done this in his past life and now he's going to pay...all reference to the blessed union that sounds so gay in the beginning are put to bed like so many young children needing their beauty sleep...it's plausible but does it wash?  not me ..it seemed more like an exercise in how to read like mad for hours looking for the good part..you find out the best  happiness you can squeeze from this is story is the secondary character's romance with the man who's been devoted to her always...and SHE has breast cancer...well...is that what we can hope for?  it seems as if the initial love and bliss of the main characters was just a paper exercise for the author because as soon as she explodes that bliss with  the kiloton bomb of early history (and I might add the chopping of the old apple tree) we're off on a big chunk of depression causing activity both for the characters in the story and for the reader...the skies were gray and weepy but I didn't feel l ike crying for these characters...I just thought, yeah I heard enough times how warm it gets in massachusetts in the summer but then I actually lived on Maryland's Tidewater so I know all about that landscape and yeah, I even knew about a young neighborwoman's murder, across the street no less..!  so I had some vague faint quaint history that lured me into continuing to read this book but where it lost me was right in the beginning when the heretofore amorous romantic husband is escorted out of his  home.  I think we need more of the former and none of the latter...that's my vote  

automatically composing

how to revive burnt toast???

yesterday was a true nightmare...I received a package monday from my brother Mark in Illinois (O'Fallon, suburb of St. Louis)...he had evidently sent me a laptop at christmas but am still not sure it was him though I did write and thank him for it and he never replied to confirm it was him that did this...the laptop package came from Amazon.com and there was no indication to inform me who had sent it but I had assumed it was him.    I promised him a drum made by me as a thank you at some point in the not to distant future; however, my dog ate the deer skin I planned to use so am considering now using my furred fawn skin as a substitute..phew..this is so bad what happened...when I wrote Mark the day after I received the package, I sent a copy of my email to my son John, who has come home from hawaii and is now living in phoenix.  john says he has a problem with drug use and he said that is why he left hawaii  he checked himself into treatment before he moved over to hawaii and was there for a month...his leaving hawaii  happened just before mothers' day and coupled with son tony's issues up in bellingham, well...it's gross how they are progressing with their lives frankly but, other than feeling extremely tired and depressed about these things, I'm ok, just feeling that I can't get everything done I need to do because the weed wacker won't run, the mice are chewing up my house, it rains too much, whatever...typical gripes I suppose...so...still rambling on in preamble to what happened to make yesterday A NIGHTMARE!!

I told Mark about John coming home from Hawaii.  I am sure I would not have sent a copy of my email to Mark to John..I know I wouldn't have done this.... yesterday during a group session of local writers, I get a call on my cell phone and it's my son John...he starts off saying to me 'that email you sent Mark was totally inappropriate'...and it got worst from there...this has happened before with him...'nope I'm not talking to you' is what he says and he's so far away that you just can't fix this but he has a terrible temper and you'd not want to be close to him when he's got big thunder clouds across his forehead anyway...so today I feel sick and depressed, just kind of want to curl up in a ball somewhere and cry like a beaten dog...my assumption is my hotmail account was hacked, I wouldn't have sent john a copy of the email to mark to rub his nose in it that he has issues with drugs..nope, not that I know better t han that, rather that what I believe John is up to in his life is all mixed up in a bunch of other stuff and once every few years we get together for a holiday in Maui...or so we had done until he moved to Phoenix...now I feel as though I won't be going there anymore either because John is staying with my daughter Angel and he'll have told her 'what mom did'...and so on into the night...yep I feel as though I might cry...angel is expecting a baby in late october/halloween/ she says...don't know the sex of the baby yet, she's too busy to write on facebook anymore...well, we went through this not talking to one another thing last year when son Tony broke up with his girlfriend, I don't know how I got to be the bad guy but they all stopped talking to me when that happened...big sigh..if that's not bad enough I haven't seen good ol dobe since january and he texted me a couple weeks ago saying he'd stopped by my house and I wasn't  home...well...I haven't replied to that text and he's had back surgery and likewise isn't posting on facebook anymore either..so...yeah, I feel like crying...well...I feel like a used up worn out old bag and am severely depressed, that's what...my feelings are hurt pretty much all the way around, dobe's not very pleasant when I am there and it hasn't turned out the way I thought it would, get married fix up the house, live here, have a real practice, etc.  instead I'm still doing what I've always done and got no money, etc.  having to live next door to the real alien abductress as well...that's probably at the root of the problem but don't feel as though this is a fixed situation..not yet anyway...

mahalo

last post at this blog was 'aloha mon amour' and then there was some reference in January 2015 wherein I was 'there' at the spot of origin for a matter of less than an hour...I tiptoed away while he slept in his easy chair in front of the living room television...of course we 'talk' continually but it's me doing the talking and he's become the man I would have liked him to be had he been who I wanted him to be, which since January has been just the voice in my head like the coach...always think of this as the 'labor' coach...so I don't know where I stand in that department but I go along with the reassurance of that coaching ethic that keeps me on my chosen path

aloha mon amour..

well...all things considered, good ol ET has gotten the better of me one more time in terms of sweethearts...he was always in the PL mode, that was a given, couldn't be himself in any regard especially the doting fancier but he was nice in a lot of little ways that I now regret being a part of because august 20 was the last I heard from him and then he 'lost his cell phone'...and though he knows where I live, he hasn't been by or been in touch and it's now going into November so I know that we must be through...it feels like a veryheavy heart I have and I'm going away in a few days for a little teeny vacation and I don't have any precious thoughts to carry with me other than what I read on his facebook posts and who knows if that's him posting or 'her' representing  herself as him because I once asked him to 'friend' me so we could talk and he said 'I'd have to go all the way down to the senior center to use the computer...like he didn't do that??' himmmm...hmmmm... lacuna is being held for me at the library and librarian said there wasn't a notice on her page when I checked out my movies today so will have to drop back by there again and get that ..I don't like barbara kingsolver as a writer, thoughts all over the page as though she had every intention of confusing the reader and underwear likes her so that's another reason as underwear is totally dosshell orientated..and I had to GP firsthand this noon as though every speck of dust in the place were causal to her being in my car..mud spots and all, confusion and chaos in the order of the house...where to go what to do..just sold tee shirts to two tourists...they'll be up and about wearing our local gear from b.ham they are...do I miss the crabby one that had the nice smile and wandered into the room in  his hawaii shirt looking fine?  yep...I think I could just drop by and say hey but he's been heavily et'd to the point where well...probably it isn't safe and yeah I could move to maui to live near my son but would I ever see him either?  not much I'd gather, good ol et has it in hand that we're to be the dna splicing elements for whatever tf she wants in a day...I don't see her purpose or why that is but I miss my special someone greatly and it's been months since I was in  his company although yes he wasn't demonstratively affectionate and yes he was at least brusque if not scarily so...walking the line of reality and what I perceived as our true course together I now know why it was not to be because et had the upper hand and control of the body itself but not the spirit he was always there in that and I don't know what will become of my heart as I gave it to him in one moment in May and he kept for a while and yes I was pretty concerned even then that et would ride it out like the spawning salmon going up the river just herds of bogus intent there and a funny smell always in the house ok so...always have to be with someone, in love with someone and now there's no one and I've let him go...because et is at my very door and keeps that from me...

weirdnesses

this all began saturday morning when I was chopping onions...fellow club member gets cellphone call and remarks, "Bob's eyeball fell out, I have to go..." with the sort of nonchalance that such a comment definitely does not bring with it...HUH? I thought
then yesterday a 5 am call when I'm snoring my deepest snores, "need your help" voicemail as in to vaccuum and so forth so I think 'when I wake up' but no it's an urgent call prompted by extreme pain..and I only got that after some discussion with the party in question...so, fogs big time in and my usual fren...who can't move around much without shuffling...has 'loaned money' to someone who's now taking care of the household chores so my little bit of scratch has developed its own flea...again I should say, this has happened before and maybe the fren will be bitching about how the loanee has not done her duty and that's why the house is a wreck (she wouldn't be doing the dishes, the shuffler)...anyways...don't know what to do about all of this, try to remain above it and get my art show on the walls and remain calm and so on and so forth but when you sit in church every sunday with the actual perpetrator good ol mickey mouse himself with glasses and a fat butt and a puss well...why not, so I thought so I did...
anyways, I'm outta here for now...back to this another time maybe friday afternoon dunno...time's short, have to make supper for the painer...